The Columnist Manifesto

I am frequently asked by readers:

"Can you give us just a small glimpse into the rock-star-like life of Oscar Madison, famous law professor? What's an example of when you, like, recently nailed it to the wall and, like, really threw down?"

As it happens, just last week, I had just such an opportunity, having been invited by the social studies class of a local high school to speak on the question, "Should fast food restaurants be held responsible for their customers' health?"

The savvy high schoolers set this up as a debate, in which I was pitted against a lobbyist for the state Restaurant Association.

What exactly are my qualifications to debate a restaurant industry lobbyist on this question? Well, (1) I eat food, (2) I know some stuff about law and (3) I saw "Super-Size Me."

I have to say that the students were pretty smart, the lobbyist was pretty slick, and basically I think I may have debated him to a draw. My main theme was that the "personal responsbility" argument relied on by the restaurant lobby guy is a story that leaves a lot of people out.

"There's more than just McDonalds and the fat guy who eats four Big Macs at a time in this story," I said. "You're in the story too, and so am I." I tried to tell them that the health costs of people getting obese and developing ailments like diabetes from eating junk food are borne by society, that those costs are not included in the price of the hamburger, that we pay those costs in the form of private health insurance premiums and taxes to pay for social welfare programs, and that it's kind of like if I were to take up a collection to make a donation to McDonald's to help them pay for their beef cattle.

I don't know if my message got through. I think I may have lost them somewhat when I actually tried to explain the concept of "risk pooling."

And then, of course, the lobbyist stooped to making the ad hominem attacks on lawyers -- as if the only way to hold fast food restaurants responsible is through lawsuits that are nothing but a windfall for trial lawyers and their obese clients.

How do you make a case for trial lawyers to a bunch of 16 year olds? Foolishly, I didn't come to the debate prepared to respond to lawyer bashing.

Here's what I said. I asked the students to think about the first wave of pioneers who blazed a trail through the wilderness. And to think about the first frontier towns, with their muddy streets and their gun-toting inhabitants. These frontier types were probably pretty rough and tumble. And then I said, think about how what we think of as "civilization" -- cities and towns with laws and pavement and sanitation -- follow, and really depend on, the trailblazers.

Then I said: sometimes trial lawyers are like that. We're in a legal wilderness right now, because Mr. Lobbyist Guy over there has been so successful in blocking any laws that would regulate fast food companies. Trial lawyers may be rough and tumble, and you may not want to invite them to dinner, but sometimes we need them to blaze a trail through that legal wilderness.

I don't know whether I was persuasive, but I certainly felt like I'd earned a stop at the donut shop, which was right on my way home. And because I was coming from a public speaking gig, I was wearing a coat and tie and, coincidentally, that sharp-looking top coat. Before I realized it, there I was, face to face with the young donut gal. Didn't get "that look" this time.