The Columnist Manifesto

How many of you have spent long moments staring (perhaps in a mirror) at your own physical imperfections, gradually coming to the conclusion: "Well, it's not that noticeable?"

Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you, it is that noticeable. It's probably the first thing people notice about you, and it's the first impression of what you look like, and it will be the most lasting impression of what you look like unless the observer gets to know you well enough to appreciate your inner beauty.

Accept it, get over it, and move on.

The title of this post is a question that I've been getting asked a lot lately. It's my most salient physical imperfection right now, edging out my growing bald patch and my large nose.

The merest acquaintances, nay, total strangers, feel entitled to ask me this question. The lady at the chicken rotisserie counter asked me this yesterday on my very first visit to her shop.

I'd like to think, it's just a fingernail -- people don't really notice it. I'm going to start teaching classes in a few days. Hey, my students won't notice -- will they? And what about all those sometime goths and punks who have partially blackened fingernails from the yucky black nail polish they applied last week? Why do I stand out?

But of course everyone notices. To the lady in the rotisserie place, her answer to "who ordered the sweet potato fries" is not even "the balding guy with the big nose" -- it's "that guy with the black fingernail"!

And what makes everyone think they can just ask? It's not concern -- obviously, I'm functional and not in need of assistance. Is it some sort of token of empathy that makes people think I'd feel better by being forced to revisit, time and time again, that excruciatingly painful incident? No, they just ask to satisfy their own grossed out idle curiosity.

So let me tell everybody once and for all: It's dried encrusted blood bulging under the fingernail. Okay? Are you satisfied? It will be there for weeks or months until the nail grows out! And if you're wondering how I got it, you obviously don't read my blog!