Monday, August 01, 2005


Dangerous criminals at large!

The malice of inanimate objects

I've been victimized by numerous inanimate objects, as I think we all have. Yet these criminal objects go unpunished, often flaunting their freedom in our own homes!

with intent to do serious bodily injury

The framing underneath the stairs to the basement. I hit my head right on that corner while bending down to pick up the recycling. Sharpest pain I ever had from hitting my head, causing mild "post concussion syndrome" for several weeks. It's still holding up the staircase.

Malicious damage to property (auto)

Bottom of the garage door. Hangs kind of low, mangled car antenna while I was backing out this one time. Reappears at unpredictable moments.

Attempted Arson (Hand)

Metal skillet handle. Wantonly burned my hand when I forgot to grab a potholder. Can be found regularly hanging out on stove top.

Attempted Murder

Chlorine bleach, a/k/a "Clorox." Never, NEVER mix this with ammonia. Says my scientist sister: "Some basic household chemistry: ammonia and chlorine makes chlorine gas." I got a little careless during a cleaning project and almost killed myself. Bleach still used in laundry as recently as yesterday.


End table (some assembly required). Did not look so shoddy in the Ikea showroom.

dutch door

"Dutch" door. Maliciously smashed my finger while I was trying to close it. Not to be confused with the traditional "dutch door" (with the separate top and bottom halves) which is too cute and innocent to hurt anyone, this particular assailant is a massive, solid one-piece affair. Last seen in Amsterdam.

Aggravated Assault

Killer bees, a/k/a wasps, a/k/a hornets, a/k/a "Yellow Jackets" gang. I realize these are animate objects, but they're bad dudes. Last seen in vicinity of compost pile (left). Right: a clue.

UPDATE: In the comments to this post, HalloweenLover reports on a vicious bed footboard. Send in your Dangerous Inanimate Criminal warnings and I will post the Top Ten Most Wanted! (Well, at least three.) And send mug shots!

You are HOT, man.
Ack! Good to know about ammonia and bleach.

Can you add the landing of the basement stairs in there for me also? As well as the corner of my bed's footboard, which despite being there for 3 years now, still attacks and hits my leg every time I walk by.
Anon: Thanks!

Hallow: Definitely. Send mug shots!
It is rare that I laugh out loud at a blog post but the stairway casing really got me rollin'.
Speaking as your sister, I must now conclude that sharp corners of wood are your nemesis. (I am assuming you still remember the bleeding head wound inflicted upon you by Mom's vanity on moving day. I still deny any involvement in that incident, by the way.)

It is hereby mandated that all corners be filed into gentle curves in both your living and work spaces.
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