The Columnist Manifesto

I'm not saying that parents are naming their kids "Sonic Grease Monkey" or anything. My point is that I get the feeling that a lot of baby naming is about the personal expression of the parents-to-be. Here they are, bringing this new autonomous human being into the world, and they mark it with vicarious intentions even before it's even born.

"I want(ed) to be totally unique, so I'll give my kid a totally unique name!"

The category that comes to most readily to mind are girl names drawn from the 19th century American Lit survey course: for girls, "Emerson," "Whitman," "Melville" and "Fenimore."

I was thinking if I had a baby girl, it would be kind of cool to name her "Pint o' Guinness Madison."

But you have to think ahead, to such situations as when she signs up for cable TV service by phone:

No, it's P-I-N-T space, small O, apostrophe. .... No, apostrophe, the punctuation mark. Like between the I and the M in "I'm".... no, that's just an example! ... actually, it's pronounced "pine-toe," not "pinto." No, the space is between the T and the O!!!

A related issue: naming your kid after a cognitive impairment (hat tip to Voxwoman for this one):

Alexia -- a neurologic disorder marked by loss of the ability to understand written or printed language, usually resulting from a brain lesion or a congenital defect.