The Columnist Manifesto

The way I deal with the aggravations of airports these days is to zone out. By an act of quasi-meditative self-zombification I can dull the feelings of anger and indignation at the security screening point and take in stride the barking of contradictory orders from boneheaded TSA employees.

This "airport brain" that allows me to cope emotionally comes at a price. It makes me more stupid, and therefore increases the challenge of multitasking -- for example, removing my jacket, shoes and laptop and placing same into 2-3 cat litterboxes while simultaneously presenting my boarding pass, keeping moving at a brisk pace all the while.

On this last trip to New York, I discovered a pleasant upside to airport brain, however. You can self induce a sort of tipsy buzz that distorts your perception in amusing ways. The ubiquitous pre-recorded announcement

"Most luggage looks the same. Be sure to pick up only your own luggage from the luggage carrousel"

sounded to me like

"Most children look the same. Be sure to pick up only your own children..."

Also, I could have sworn that the airline employee making announcements at the gate used the word "pre-reminder." As in, "This is a pre-reminder to passengers on flight 276 to Newark. All carry-on luggage must be stowed in the overhead compartments or under your seat..."

I probably didn't hear that word, but I love it. It's even better than "have your boarding pass out and available." It is so... so airport.

"Airport brain" is not just me. It's an entire dumbed-down subculture.