The Columnist Manifesto

What is it about candy bars that makes them such meaningful cultural artifacts? Is it that they were vitally important to us as kids? Whatever the explanation, you have to agree that if I say “Mounds,” you know it’s a package with two chocolate-coated ovals of coconut paste, and that “Almond Joy” is the same thing with a couple of almonds sitting atop the coconut disk. You didn’t study it in school the way you learned state capitals or U.S. presidents, but you know it. And people who have spent no time in the U.S. probably don’t.

That’s why I go a bit nuts in the candy aisles in foreign grocery stores. Last night, B and I held a candy-bar tasting with the following (rather restrained, in my view) assortment:



These are all Cadbury’s items that are not found in the U.S. Nor are they found with precisely these names and labels in the U.K., though I believe a Brit would be better positioned to figure out what they are than I was.

Translation:

“Crispy Crunch” is basically a “Butterfinger.”
“Malted Milk” is essentially a “Milky Way.”
“Caramilk” is the same as Cadbury’s “Caramello” in the U.S.

You know exactly what these are now, don’t you?

Only “Crunchie” is a type not available in the U.S. In Britain, it’s called “Violet Crumble,” and is chocolate-covered “honeycomb” candy. It’s “yummie” – our people should have it.