The Columnist Manifesto

In observance of April Fools day, let me just say how great I think it is to have a holiday that honors practical joking. There just isn’t enough of that. There aren’t enough whoopi cushions placed on seats and burning bags of dog poop left on the front stoop.

There aren’t enough opportunities for people to blow off steam in this country. We’re too serious all the time – just look at our TV programming.

We need more opportunities for mainstream media to let their hair down and broadcast fake news stories, like animals escaping from the zoo.

While we’re at it, I can’t believe that we don’t have any formal recognition of “Opposite Day.” I propose October 1, to fill up that big empty expanse between Labor Day and Halloween. It definitely needs to be during the school year. On Opposite Day, every signal means its opposite. “Hello” means “goodbye” and red lights mean “go.” That would be fun.