The Columnist Manifesto

So many people walking around the streets have cell phones at their ears, that I'm beginning to tip toward the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" mentality. But if you're going to be talking on a cell phone in public, I say, make a fun game out of it.

I had my high-tech cell phone headset deployed in the grocery store and called B.

"Where exactly is that Pita bread?"
"It's in the freezer section."
"The whu -- ?"
"Oh, for God's sake... where are you now?"
"In bread."
"Facing...?"
"North."
"Turn around and go to the end of the aisle. You should be at the deli counter."
"Roger."
"Turn 90 degrees left... now walk straight ahead about 20 yards. Do you see the pasta in the freezer?"
"Yes."
"Go to the third door. The pita bread should be there."
"There it is... I have visual contact!!"
"Make sure to get wheat free..."

By moving quickly, and using law enforcement telcom jargon wherever possible, I wasn't just a shopper: I was George Clooney carrying a gun.


There is a down side, however. When I reached the car with my grocery bags, I realized that in my excitement I had forgotten the Barleans High Lignan Flax Seed Oil.

Flax seed oil is high in Omega-3's. I don't know precisely what Omega-3's are, but it's my understanding that they are good for your short term memory. Chez Madison, we put it in a vinaigrette and turn our salads into magic brain food. We had run out of flax seed oil about three weeks ago and, perhaps ironically, kept forgetting to buy it on several trips to the store.

It's not just any forgotten grocery item that will send me from the car back to the store. The failure to remember to buy Barleans High Lignan Flax Seed Oil is much more than ironic. It's a deadly vicious cycle that might not end until I have full blown amnesia. But that's another story...