The Columnist Manifesto

Great question. I think you should answer this, too.

I've actually given this some thought. (I hope that doesn't sound too self-absorbed.)

Angelina Jolie, hands down. She is gorgeous, smart, independent, and unique.

Genre? Hmm... comedy.

Title? "Surprises."
 

I have to keep re-casting that role, as actresses age. Used to be Debra Winger would play me; then it was Julia Roberts (after you and everyone else in the family said that her role in "Mystic Pizza" reminded you all of me). I think nowadays, I'll settle for Sandra Bullock. Or perhaps Claudia Black.

Genre? Well, nobody will believe it anyway, so it might as well be SF.

Title? "All This and Brains, Too"

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ukffjdac (YOO-kif-jeh-dayk): a one-man band composed of a ukelele, shakers, and an udu.
 

bhzoteql: (1) the ancient Mayan Bee Goddess ("bee-zho-tek-el"). (2) drinks of the same volume ("zhot-equal")
 

Mine would be a short-film documentary. About me. In the style of the Blair Witch Project. It would be called "The PD Project".

It would really just be a shot of me in the corner of the courtroom, camera focusing up my nose, teary booger hanging out, as I sob "I'm so scared" in a soft whimper.

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fszsb: [urbanspeak, acronym] Fo ShiZzle So Bizzle. Referring to an individual who lacks adequate time for social activity in his or her "hood".
 

Now? I have no idea. In eighth grade, it was called "As The School Turns." Al Pacino played me, and Dustin Hoffman played my best friend Rich. Or Robert Redford played me, and Paul Newman my friend Rich. You get the picture -- some variation on Famous Cinematic Duos.

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ywvddcup -- What You Would View if you were the late Russ Meyer.
 

Oh yeah, Ocsar! Robert Redford would have to play you. (well, a much younger Robt. Redford)

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phzrzl (phaze-razzle): annoying people with a laser pointer whilst making buzzy science-fictiony sounds from your mouth.
 

Oscar looks like a (slightly) older version of Shaun Cassidy -- circa 1977. I told him that many months ago and Jeremy agreed with me. Of course I meant it as a compliment (how could I not since I had a huge crush on Shaun Cassidy back in the day), but I don't think that Oscar took it that way.

I'm not sure what Oscar was looking for. Comparisons to Johnny Depp? Denzel Washington? What??

So, now I would suggest that Ernest Borgnine play Oscar. But only if he's still alive . . . Ernest Borgnine I mean.
 

No question. For me, it would be Bette Midler in a movie titled "Laugh 'Til I Cry"

wpk

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jntvgfui - pronounced "gint vig fwuay" (empahsis on a long rising tone on last word) -- the title of film from China about vegetarian gin-swilling professor from an obscure law school in the far western part of the country.
 

Tonya, I really must disagree with the Shaun Cassidy correlation. There must be a genetic aversion to the Cassidys in our family. I don't see a resemblance at all.

(and if Oscar kept his beard, I'd be suggesting Treat Williams)

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vorxfmnm - (vorks-fem-en-em): women's work.
 

Tonya,

The question was whow would play you in a movie about you.

Everyone else seemed to understand. No funding for your movie!

opycep (pron. "oppy-sep") -- a misperceiving someone to mean the opposite of what he really said.
 

Okay, fine. I would play me in a movie about me. Why would I want some other actress to play me and get it all wrong? Remember, it is all about ME, ME, ME.

Besides, didn't Patty Duke play herself in a TV bio pic about her mental illness? I think that there have been others who've done this as well.

I do, however, reserve the right to hire a body double for the sex scenes. I may be narcissistic, but I'm not crazy!

Also -- Oscar -- I think that you made up that last word verification thingy.
 

Nah -- Oscar played by Aidan Quinn.
- wpk

dbnzzk -- a small town in croatia
 

Wendy, I'd have said "Angelina Jolie" (Sandra Bullock is too much of a lightweight), but she's already under contract in the Janelle Renee biopic, "Surprises."

Mariam, I'm told that there are no known actresses who look like you, so you're just going to have to go with an unknown. By the way -- great word verifictionary!

Patrick Dempsy? Aidan Quinn? Moral Turpitude and Warren, are you guys planning to hit me up for some sort of favor, or what?

Tom Bozzo, if it's the buddy movie genre you want, then in my biopic about you, I'm casting Charles Grodin from Midnight Run.

Tonya -- I do not make up word verifictionaries. That would be cheating.