Friday, October 07, 2005


Existential Friday: a brush with fate?


What would you do if you got a delicious looking chocolate bar in your mail box at work, with a post-it note saying only: Merry Christmas from your "secret admirer"?

If you’re a normal person, you’d probably go, “Secret admirer? Who can that be?” You’d then eat the chocolate bar while daydreaming about some total hottie at your workplace who could, in theory, be your secret admirer. But undoubtedly isn’t.

Maybe I’m not normal, but my fevered and overanxious imagination took me down a somewhat different path when I got the above-pictured chocolate bar a few days ago :
Secret admirer? I’m really not the kind of guy who has secret admirers... so what’s the deal? It has to be some kind of trick. But what kind? “Merry Christmas” is a clue. It’s nowhere near Christmas, so this person obviously reads my blog.

It’s a trap, that’s what it is. A deadly trap. The chocolate bar (milk chocolate with hazelnuts! Mmmm, my favorite!) might be adulterated in some way. It doesn’t look like it’s been opened. But what if my “admirer” injected it with poison – like what happened with those Tylenol bottles in New York many years ago?

Does anyone want to kill me? I can’t think of anyone who would be that mad at me... but then, I can’t think of any secret admirers either.

Oh, come on! The odds that someone would try to murder me with a poisoned chocolate bar have to be a lot less than the odds that some person wants to thank me anonymously. I do more nice things for people than I do things that inspire feelings of murderous revenge. At least I think so.

Besides, if someone really wants to take me out, how hard would that be? It’s not like I have extensive personal security measures like the President. If someone assaulted me right now, what would I have to defend myself with? There’s my car key that flicks out like a switchblade. Oh and of course my hockey lace-tightener.
DSCN5776 DSCN5778
Left: Car key. Right: hockey lace tightener.
With that hockey lace tightener, I’m sure I could yank off at least a few of my assailant’s buttons.

The point is, I can’t live my life in this kind of fear. I’m going to play the odds. Plus, I’m hungry. I’ll just eat a small piece and see if it tastes funny or makes me feel funny.
Fifteen minutes later, I’d eaten the entire chocolate bar. It tasted great.

Ten minutes later, I felt kind of weird. A sort of ache in the neck and shoulders, a tightness in the throat...
Holy sh*t! Maybe it was poisoned. I’m going to keep the wrapper and the note in my desk, so investigators can find it if I mysteriously drop dead.

Oh, for god’s sake! This is totally psychosomatic. Incredible as it may seem for such a rational person, my little paranoid anxiety trip has actually caused strange physical sensations. The trick is to just put it out of your mind, and by the time you think about it again, tomorrow, you’ll see that you’re not dead, and the chocolate was a gift from a genuine admirer after all.
Next day: I feel fine.
But what if it’s a slow-acting poison?

Chocolate with Hazelnuts is one of my favorites too. I fell in love with it in Germany.
Chocolate? Oh, you sweet man. You were having an aphrodisiac reaction.
So you haven't been blogging because you are reacting to a slow poison in a hazelnut chocolate bar?
The would be killer is also an impersonator! For I am your secret admirer, and I didn't send you chocolate.

(I am incapable of sending anyone chocolate. For some strange reason, it unwraps itself and finds its way into my belly. Strange, indeed.)
Howdy! I found your blog while randomly clicking here in Blogspot, and this post made me laugh, so I had to comment. :) I hope that when (notice I did not say "if") you discover clues to your secret admirer's identity, you'll mention it in your blog. After reading your entire post on the anonymous chocolate thing, I feel almost as curious now as you do! *chuckle*

I also wanted to comment that your hockey lace tightener reminded me of one of those deep-sea anglerfish! At least the way you had it positioned in the photo, that is.

Don't mind me -- my mind works in strange ways. ;D Anyway, I enjoy your writing style. I'll check back in a few days or so. In the meantime, please feel free to visit my blog (especially if you like inane, eccentric posts about everything and nothing! LOL)

Happy day,
Shari in California :)
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