The Columnist Manifesto

[See 40 Hours, thursday, 7:00 a.m.]

Have you ever wondered what goes through the mind of a philosophically inclined law professor in a “road rage” situation? The other day, a law professor was being tailgated by a young woman on a motor scooter around campus, who was riding up his ass, making moves as if to pass, and revving the little scooter motor disrespectfully. In fact, the law professor in question actually said one of the following two phrases aloud to himself in his car after several minutes of this tailgating behavior. Was it:

a) “You know, it’s really unsafe to drive your scooter so close behind a car, especially when you’re not wearing a helmet. You’re impatient with the fact that I’m driving the speed limit, but you’re actually quite lucky that I’m such a safe driver.”

OR

(b) “I ought to slam on the freakin’ breaks and really f*ck you up, college girl!”

I’m sorry to say that it was.... Well, let’s just say that the law professor in question quickly went through this thought process: Visions of the college girl careening off the back of his car, suffering serious bodily injury; feelings of remorse; then civil suits and a criminal prosecution, the jury with 20-20 hindsight failing to understand why a law professor of all people couldn’t have been more thoughtful about the consequences of his actions and, above all, more patient with a student!

Plus, slamming the breaks would have been really mean.