The Columnist Manifesto

I've suggested that the key to mid-life crisis is the true dawning realization of mortality. Related to this is another dividing line: those who really understand that they will grow old, and those who don't.

Rest assured: you will become an old person -- if you don't die first, that is. Yes, on some abstract level everybody realizes this, but do they understand what it means?

Our culture indulges itself in a somewhat repulsive amount of disrespect for the elderly. A lot of that manifests itself in comparatively benign behaviors (benign compared to elder abuse, that is) -- mockery, impatience, etc. -- showing a lack of empathy for the maladies and behaviors of aging.

Even those of us who are more understanding often engage in a form of denial in the way we envision ourselves as old people. We will not become the kind of old person who can't walk, who suffers from mild dementia, who rambles and repeats himself all the time. Many of us choose an "old person role model" -- a beloved grandmother, a long-lived philospher, an elder statesman, who is physically spry and mentally sharp as a tack. I've heard tell that 85 year old liberal Supreme Court Justice, John Paul Stevens is in this kind of shape: actively engaged in important work at age 85, impressing his 26 year old law clerks with his keen legal insights.

Basically, we tell ourselves that we will engage in "power aging" (the baby boomer's marketing term for it), and become that spry sharp old person by careful diet and exercise, and doing lots of crossword puzzles or whatever to keep the mind sharp. We'll all become our "old person role models."

But that can't possibly be true, can it? What percentage of old people are role models? 1 in 20? 1 in 50? Whatever the actual percentage, it is a far cry from all or even most of us. Most of us will be infirm. And the brain ages and becomes rigid in its thought patterns, hindered by tiny strokes that basically close off more and more neural pathways. In my case, I will have these set piece anecdotes or witticisms that strike me as continually fresh, but are corny and repetitive. I will say things like "don't talk to me like I'm an old person" and believe I come across as witty and vigorous, when in reality I sound like an old man trying to be funny.

And guess what -- that'll be you too, in all likelihood. We can't all be John Paul Stevens.