The Columnist Manifesto

I really don't mean to encourage this sort of behavior at all.

A couple of days ago, I was in Chicago, a city B knows much better than me. I got a bit lost walking from the downtown train station. I had no map. What did I do?

I called B on my cell phone.

B: Stay calm. Where are you now?

Me: I don't know. I'm alongside a river or canal. The street is called.... North Wacker.

B: Tell me the street address.

Me: (breathing rapidly) It's... it's ... 110. The numbers are going down!

B: Don't worry. Keep walking forward. The numbers will go back up again. Don't ask me to explain, just trust me.

Me: Okay...

B: Now, is the Merchandise Mart coming up in front of you? Off to your left?

Me: Uh... yes.

B: Okay, the street veers to the right and becomes West Wacker. The numbers should be going up again...

Me: They are!

B: There should be a big grey building off to your right. 333 West Wacker. Do you see it?

Me: Yes! Yes!

B: Cross the street and go into the lobby.

Me: (long pause) Okay, I'm in.

B: Walk past the elevators. There should be a back entrance on the other side.

Me: I don't see it! I don't see it!

B: Just keep going, it's at an angle--

Me: There it is!

B: Go through the revolving doors back outside. That's Lake Street. Cross the street.

Me: Okay... now what?

B: Take a left, and then go to the second door on the right...

Me: That's it! I'm in!

B: Good.

Me: Okay. What kind of cookie do you want?

So B directed me to Specialty's Bakery, which has the world's best oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. How lame is it to use the cell phone that way?

I'd say very lame. Except I couldn't help but feel like I was Neo in the Matrix. Way cool.

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