The Columnist Manifesto

Dear [Name withheld]:

I got your message this morning saying, in its entirety, "Please call me." You know this because I called you.

What you may not know is that, as an anxious person, I automatically assume that a message along the lines of "Please call me," with no hint of the nature of the need for the call makes me think that you are going to give me urgent, terrible news. Certainly, I don't assume that I am calling to discuss something in the nature of what to bring over for dinner tomorrow night. In that case, you could say something like "Please call me so we can discuss what you should bring for dinner tomorrow night."

Sincerely,
Oscar Madison

P.S. Your stated justification for the "Please call me" message is that I "never respond" to your emails. Ironically, you conveyed the "please call me" message in an email.

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