Monday, February 28, 2005


White House Unveils Plan to Privatize Federal Government

WASHINGTON – The Bush Administration will launch a major government reform initiative aimed at privatizing all operations of the federal government, White House spokesmen said today. Called "America, Inc." the plan would place all three branches of government on a private, for-profit basis and turn citizens into shareholders.

"The federal government has rightly been criticized for years as being inefficient," said Secretary of Commerce Donald L. Evans, in a speech outlining the plan to business leaders. "Our ‘America, Inc.' initiative will remake our wasteful government institutions into a lean, mean profit machine."

Under the plan, U.S. citizens will be allowed to purchase shares in the new incorporated federal government during an initial public offering. After that, shares will be traded on one of the major securities exchanges.

"Our one share one vote system is both fairer and more efficient than the current electoral college system, which everyone recognizes is seriously flawed," said Evans. "Voting will be proportional to people's actual stake in society. If it works for corporate America, why not for America, Incorporated?"

Spokesmen for the Bush Administration expect that the abolition of all federal taxes will make the plan extremely popular with the American public. Instead, federal revenue will be raised by placing all government services on a fee-for-service basis, "just like any company that sells a service," said Evans.

Additional revenue will be raised by selling off unneeded assets, such as the Alaska Wildlife Wasteland, as well as by selling corporate naming rights to certain public buildings and monuments, such as "the Microsoft White House," explained White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan.

The Administration contends that privatization will capture numerous efficiencies that go along with the profit motive. Some administration spokesman have admittedly privately that the federal government has had a difficult time attracting competent high level officials because of federal salaries that pay as little as 10 or even 5 percent of the salaries available to corporate executives with comparable experience.

Under America, Inc., President Bush, as CEO, would be expected to earn an eight-figure annual income, comparable to the salaries paid to heads of Fortune 500 companies.

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