The Columnist Manifesto

I’m back in New York City, home of the original Barney’s New York, New York (as opposed to Barney's New York, LA). Flew here from the middle of the country, with one stopover. Here's what I should have said.

To the guy bellowing into his cell phone at the airport “Food Court”:

What I should have said: “Sir! Lower your voice! Please! Can’t you see that Food Court is in session?"

What I said: nothing.

To the woman who sold me the regrettable pecan roll at Cinnabon, in the airport “Food Court”:

What I should have said: “Don’t you find it strange that it’s always the worst food offenders who actually run the Food Court?”

What I said: “Thank you.”

To the cagey hustler at Port Authority Bus Terminal, who asked me “what bus you lookin’ for?”:

What I should have said: “Oh, are you the greeter?”

What I said: “I’m fine, thanks.”

To the second cagey hustler, at the subway station just outside of Port Authority, who offered to sell me a used Metrocard:

What I should have said: “Right. No one who’s from New York City ever goes away for a couple of days and then returns to the bus station carrying a f***ing bag. As you suspected, I’ve just gotten off the f***ing boat!.”

[Note: best way to sound like someone trying to sound like they’re from New York – lots of F-words.]

What I said: “No thank you.”

To the 5-year old on Broadway who was whining and struggling against his dad’s grip, while his dad said, “Luke, if you go back in that store, you’re going to be sorry”:

What I should have said: “Lu-u-u-u-ke. I... am... your faahhh – ther.”

What I said: nothing.

To the hotel desk clerk, who said, “Do you need help with your bag?”

What I should have said: "I’ve been humping this bag around since 7 o’clock this morning, on and off of two planes and a bus, through three miles of airport and bus terminal corridors, and then maneuvered it uptown by subway and for several blocks on foot. Yes, what I’d really like now is to pay someone five dollars to carry my bag the last few feet to my room."

What I said: “No thank you.”

To the foreign traveler on the airport bus who pointed to the words “Port Authority” on his ticket and asked me in halting English, “are we here?” and then debarked, looking rather lost.

What I said: “Yes, this is Port Authority.”

What I should have said: “Do you know where you’re going next? Can I help you?”