The Columnist Manifesto

Are cell phones the cigarettes of the ‘00s?

Now that I’ve come up with a suitable name for our current decade, I can more readily make generalizations about the decade.

Yes, cell phones are the cigarettes of the zilches.

This thought occurred to me recently as I was taking my 8 minute walk to the bus stop, feeling mentally understimulated. I have a backpack with one of those little cell phone pouches on the strap. Although it’s on my right side, it’s located roughly (just a tad above) where my shirt pocket would be. With a deft, thoughtless flick of my left hand, I unhinged the velcro cover and slid out the cell phone, a gesture that made me think of someone taking a cigarette out of a pack in his shirt pocket.

Okay, I didn’t smoke the cell phone, or even pop the end of it in my mouth. But it gave me something to do. I fiddled with it, made a brief call.

I’ve always felt that one reason people start smoking is so they won’t look stupid while waiting. A person standing around waiting looks like the victim of forces beyond his control – he’s being stood up for a date, or the bus is late – and he fidgets because he doesn’t know what to do with his hands (in pockets or out), or whether to lean non-chalantly or not. He has no one to talk to, undoubtedly because of some deficiency in social skills. He gazes vacantly – nothing in particular to look at. He pretends to look at something and then worries that the pretense is obvious.

But smokers have these problems solved. They have something to do with their hands – taking out the pack, tapping it, sliding out the cigarette, tapping that, cupping the match in their hand – and then of course holding the cigarette. As anyone who has ever been at a cocktail party knows, you only have to have something to do with one hand.

What’s more, smokers look so deep in thought. Stare out into space, and you look vacant. Stare out into space while blowing out a stream of smoke, and you look like a philosopher, maybe even a Marlboro-man cowboy philosopher, which is even better. This smoker is alone because he’s chosen to be alone

I know for a fact that these smokers are just waiting, if not loitering, and their thoughts run no deeper than “I wonder when the bus will come,” or “I look kind of cool standing here,”or “why can’t I get anyone to go out with me?” But they have a contemplative, even visionary look that you just can’t get by sipping a cup of coffee.

Smoking is gross, however, and is known to cause cancer. Cells phone use is merely suspected to cause cancer. And while people talking on cell phones don’t have the visionary gaze thing going, they don’t look like they’re waiting. They’re talking! And they’re not alone – they have people to talk to. Never mind that it’s just to fill waiting time, and their conversation isn’t about anything important – it’s just blowing smoke.